This is my story
With accounts of the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me god’
Recommended in case the real truth never sees the light of day with my demise
Recollection ..am four living with my parents who through no fault didn’t get on
Remember the rows the constant shouting the fact we would have furniture and then it would disappear
Later found out my father was a gambler constantly trying to recover his loses .Then the day my mother was brave enough to leave the memory’s of being in her arms crying for my daddy and saying we couldn’t leave as he wouldn’t be able to find us
We find ourselves staying in a small flat on the side of someone’s property we had to give away our Siamese cat as no pets were allowed’ the visit from my dad on weekends was always a sad event as him leaving to go was for me painful I as a youngster couldn’t understand
My fathers trips or day out was normally cinema which we so enjoyed but also tinged with the recollections of stood out side a betting shop waiting for him to come out
My Grandmother was a saving grace place where calm and big hugs were always available (my fathers mother ) she knew his faults only too well but as most parents do would criticise him to his face but god help anyone who did the same
I for obvious reasons don’t remember the court case but it seems my longing for my dad eventually made my mother do a brave selfless thing by handing my father custody of me to him
Looking back was probably not the best idea but I understand when a child is constantly crying for the missing parent and won’t eat what’s the parent to do .
It’s middle sixties now living with dad and gran in small flat ,I now know my grandmother had acrophobia as a youngster she never went out I presumed because of her arthritis
So begins the daily ritual before school going to local shops with a list
Back then it was butchers bakers greengrocers tobacconist .then a child was served with cigarettes always 20 Piccadilly tipped bread then scrag end from butchers for stew and vegetables
Our village then was a village everybody knew everybody which for kids was good always many eyes looking after your welfare but then their was the local busybodies who loved a juicy gossip and divorce in those days was juicy and a daughter living with her father and gran not heard of was even more juicy
So one can imagine the spin put on it by those not knowing the truth
Was always the child father had to come to the school because the child was being picked on for not having a mother even though I knew I did kids can be cruel
So starts another move back to live with my mum for my benefit
This time was different mum had a new partner who was lovely kind but I felt by my liking would be a act of treason to my father
This is when the child tears herself apart trying to be all to everyone too not upset the mum or the dad to give equally and dread the Christmas when as a child you know when asked whom you wished to have Christmas Day with you were going to upset one parent
The shape of one’s personality from early years to say 10 is not child’s development solely but their environment what’s happening around them
Memory very vivid of meeting fathers endless girlfriends as a youngster getting attached to some who would then disappear
What they digest in their hearts and minds never divulge in case it hurts one or the other as a eight year old priority was to protect those around me
Father always wanting daughters opinion and consent as to wether this was the right lady or not
Some children would be in their element to own such power , for me it was a dilemma hoping to have someone who would care and love my dad as I did and when as a child you got attached to a person then one day no longer there in ones tiny mind the IT MUST BE Me starts all you have known in your young years is people leaving and the one constant connection is you
Fourteen is a difficult age but more so when your father leans on you to be there when lonely or needs you to be a plus one for works invites
What should be a shy introduction to life becomes a painful become a woman overnight
I remember my Gran shouting at him as I was ironing his work shirts and making sure his tea was on table that I was not a skive or a wife but his daughter
I just remember thinking I don’t mind am useful but my downhill life began as I became his plus one for works events
My father struggling with his own sadness and believing how old I was before my time was happy to let me be escorted home by looking back men . Who would now let a fourteen year old be taken home by someone in their early twenties
Reasoning they knew my dad he knew them and he was a great guy they respected him
Pity they didn’t respect the daughter
Perhaps a pattern is emerging the said daughter then becomes easy prey ,after all she appears to be a woman who has the intelligence to act and behave as one and let’s not forget does not like to upset anyone or to divulge to anyone what she thinks is not right
Let’s say she does and then more people leave this poor sad child in her mind nobody is responsible except herself
Said child then seems to become easy prey for anyone wanting to give affection even those who only do it for a means to a end
Father doesn’t know mother certainly doesn’t know
Child does !
She will for ever remember the awful events for ever the boys / men who asked to take her hone when father was to say bit merry
The men whom thought she was such a lovely girl and so grown up and wouldn’t believe she was of a certain age
The men friends who made out they were really her knight come to save the day only to find their was always a price to pay Those were the ones that made you keep secrets
The ones who drove Ford Capris those who made you feel like they were going to wrap you up and look after you and never let anyone hurt you but if only we could keep it between ourselves
I wish I could say things got better but for now chapter must come later am tired feel so Ill but determined this will be done once and for all
A therapy that has been advised to put to rest once and for all to shut up the ones who thought I was a fantasist a lying wretch well I can prove every single thing do those who tried to shut me up say the same No !
To be continued ……
Chapter 2
Moving again this time with father into a new home ,new marriage for him
Honestly in truth wanted to stay with my gran but coming up 15 you do what your told is best for you .so myself and my Yorkshire terrier who I adored called Tansy were on the move a large house with a stepmom I hadn’t really got to know a stepbrother and sister and their rather sweet old pet spaniel
I swear I tried to fit in I made sure I was always polite never seeking out favours I did get kindness from my step sister but the brother scared me from the off .he was crude a student attending Exeter uni but had some disgusting habits .purposely making out my dog was the family’s property and making sure I would worry while at school if he was home
Will never forget that person Ian makes me vomit even now hence cannot write the surname but it’s burnt in my brain
Four months later I lost my darling Tansy was told she had picked up a infection from the older dog and was too young to fight it off ! Not sure to this day but from then the rot set in my father was devastated for me my stepmother began to lay down rules I was to reliant on my father and should give them space
I did hoping I could prevent my father from having to choose and so wanted him to be happy ,meanwhile was still visiting my mother every weekend and that was normal but would never dream of telling my worries .In my way protecting my parents was the right thing
Stepbrother gets worse ,now on summer breaks he drinks smokes pot but worse still creeps into the bedroom late at night my stepsister and I share ,her top bunk mine bottom
Me too frightened to complain until one night while she was out late with her boyfriend (she was 17) I was asleep and felt a hand over my mouth I panicked but was totally in fear his drunk breath on me was unbearable claiming he was entitled to a kiss as I wasn’t blood related my luck changed when my stepsister came back earlier all hell broke lose and from that night we had a permanent lock on our door ,my stepmother never forgave me and her relationship between her and my father disintegrated
Again here was a situation and the common denominator was me
My first breakdown although I didn’t then know it I ran or rather walked for 10 miles to get back to my grans
I never told her or my mum when again I moved back with her for a while but in a way plonking a teenage girl into a home was difficult for them and for me and unfortunately I didn’t know how mentally sick I was
Exams were due my only sense of normal was school where I had many friends was very lucky even though many teachers told on report nights a wonderful person always willing to help but not a scrap of confidence
During exams Dad was going through divorce with step mum and as I later found out she had begged him to go as a character witness for her son who had been charged with molesting two young girls in a local park
My father was horrified and then it became apparent what could have happened under the roof we all shared ,I later found out his reaction was to want to kill the said son but i gather divorce was granted quicker because of those circumstances my father never forgave himself for what he had done jeopardising his daughters safety , but then he wouldn’t have known how disturbed the stepson was
I still have nightmares at my age or think when I see a older man with red hair and thick glasses that he’s still around But again another secret I held solid for years to protect my parents
Self harming began at perhaps 15 or maybe earlier to be able to control your own pain makes you feel strong but over the years I began to run out of space on my skin so many scars are unfortunately visible with each wound you cause it lets escape the loathing you fill for your self ,the men who used you I often think did they have teenage girls after did they forget their behaviour to one who was but a child did I feel responsible ? Always up too not so long ago every cut was worth the disgust I felt for myself at 15 I felt like 30 going on
Perhaps I was sending signals out without knowing I just wanted to be loved for me and not for what I could do for some the more you try to please the more you attract the worse kind of predictor catches you when your vulnerable and those were so called known friends of my father who were just looking after his daughter in the pretence she would be safer then getting home by bus or walking Wrong always a price and so the secrets keep stacking up
Chapter 3 A child has made a child
As a youngster my main aim in life was to have a Happy Marriage children and lead the life I had always envied in books magazines to create a home anyone would be proud of
The trouble in that is giving oneself impossible goals of perfection there is only one result You Fail
I met as I thought the love of my life around 17 that’s a fib I new of him when I was 15 and again met through my fathers work probably when I was a plus one at a works function
He was married and eight years older than me but seemed so caring and gave off the vulnerable and wretched tale of how hard and sad he’s life was ,oh to say my maternal caring side got sucked in at that age was a understatement
At fifteen going on 30 I could hold a real sensible conversation be a shoulder for comfort and say the right things I thought could make that persons life more bearable
We seemed to just get on so well again another secret from early on then through different things happening all stopped if truth be told think father got wind I may have been getting way above my depth and I think my love was warned off
So having met up at 17 then finding out this love of my life was divorced and been treated so badly all those emotions rose up in me
I could save and make this man better I would be anything he wanted his happiness would be my sole purpose ,he said everything I ever wanted to hear made me feel so protected and genuinely wanted I couldn’t believe how lucky I was
Why didn’t I see the warning signs specially when on one of our first proper dates I realised that the best friend was one of my so called knights in shining armour rescuing me at a early age only cost to me was horrendous so another secret starts on a new relationship
If I told the truth I would lose the love of my life I would be another woman that was a cheap tart
You notice I say women from a age of 14 I can’t remember thinking of being a child so my mistakes my failings were that of a woman’s I crucified myself for what I thought were my mistakes my choices looking back choices were not mine to make your manipulated and pushed into a role you don’t understand only made to feel you owe for any kindness shown to you ( I must add not from my parents ) but life had made even that relationship one I had to protect by making sure each one knew that their love was so special and I would make each parent feel safe choices were mine who had me Christmas etc so they didn’t have to suffer no problem I could and keep well hidden
So my love of my life was my next protection project
I did what was required willingly because after all this was true love he couldn’t believe how lucky that I was still to him pure and that my scars then were just accidents of childhood I could be moulded to be anything required and then I became pregnant I was scared to death all I could see was losing everyone around me through lack of respect
He played a blinder making my world seem safe and secure
If only back then mental health issues could have been picked up I married my love and you then live happily ever after
Our daughter was born a very difficult birth but I loved and still do worship the ground she walks on the sad thing I came home with a baby and in fact my child in me arose a fear that remains I was a child with a child acting out the part of a woman I had to be perfect couldn’t fail I couldn’t lose the two I had always wanted my own perfect family
Smacks of disaster right !
Six years of mostly much love and happiness I would lie in bed thinking how lucky was I and when would god decide my joy was now too much and I would pay back for my happiness  and pay I did
Pay I did bit by bit year by year
You don’t notice at first how you have become manipulated and singled out to be so dependant on one person you would die if they left you
The emotional blackmail the walking on broken glass the bit by bit having your very soul destroyed gradually your circle of friends family gets smaller you become isolated without realising it is happening
You end up grovelling for any thing like a bit of love you will do anything to make your poor husbands life better you will improve your bringing up your child fine their a example to you both with all the medical problems in her life I knew she would come through I would make her come through am juggling balls in the air keeping parents happy no worries for them the perfect friend for whoever needs me best wife. Best mother
Trouble is keeping so many balls in the air at once is a disaster and I failed again
Knowing another person was ready to walk away and to then be made to have to swallow it’s your fault you failed you didn’t keep those dam balls in the air all together and not only that but you will be bullied be made to feel worthless until all you can see in the mirror is what you always dreaded that loser who in gods name thought you could have it all Never you you have to pay for short term happiness and pay you do
Humiliating another is the worse thing private public makes no difference that’s when the mind body and soul is totally destroyed
Some people like my ex have what may be
a Narcissistic quality they do no wrong they are super human they can make you feel so absolutely useless you will never be ever to criticise a Narcissist you have to take all the responsibility yourself otherwise you pay dearly
Then one day you awake the person who continually makes mistakes you try hard to cover your mistakes but you have become the dreaded idiot you knew always was there no sane person would stay with such a loser my god you can’t blame them for lying to you cheating you deserve it all you made their life hell so suffer you idiot and know you lost and get over it
Chapter 4 breakdown no 2 3 and 4
Kick a dog enough and it will eventually bite not for me kick and kick and kick and hey I deserve more then all those injury’s go internally except you don’t know that’s what is happening I have left out on purpose the most humiliating occurrences because I can’t deal with them even now but my health long term has suffered I only can hope I still have enough fight to prove to my girl life can be sweet and genuine people do care and keeping secrets only helps the bullies and perhaps now I have written down in black and white as was advised three years ago I can start to believe I wasn’t to blame
I made wrong choices I lived in constant fear I let myself and close family down
My reason I couldn’t trust and how could I prove the offences having spent now years having PTS treatment my proof is the physical scars and the mental mess I have been left with
I wish this chapter had been the final ,unfortunately it got worse but for now am done in and tired so very tired but if anything to survive is in us all don’t ever give up you own the right to survive
Guilt still remains
I wish I could not feel so guilty for surviving thus far but it never goes away
You constantly keep saying
It had to be me Nobody gets that unlucky
My constant fear everyday of not doing the right meal or not complying to what was demanded there and then the humiliation of being shouted at public the knowledge you know the husband is being unfaithful but your told your mentally unstable
You find proof in b&w but still you are deranged your told accept my truth or I leave u now
You cling to a life that’s punishment because you are worthy of nothing else
My lowest point was still having to do my duty in the marital bed but when your urinated on after how much low can life become
You are not human anymore just a fabric of skin tissue bones your worth is that of a carcass on a slab
But still you rise they say !
No you pretend to until you can’t pretend anymore your brain is done everything all the memories longing to know why was my life mapped out this way from such a very young age
That’s the PTS your answer is it all leads back to yourself
Stress in the end killed my father am sure it’s been the downfall of me
My one final thing I can do is not pass this attitude on to my kin
I see already fear and self loathing she cane saw and heard to much I will make her become the woman I so wanted to be
She already has a way a head start and am so proud
The one thing I hate is that I kept attracting the person who knew I was able to be manipulated and tortured not bodily but mentally
I was a child full of love but never was a child a adult in child’s clothes who just wanted never to upset or let down those I loved I worried so much but now with help was made to understand my growing years were not normal it was like a play where nobody knew what they had to do
I have learnt to trust in the people who have shown me nothing but kindness
gpg44blog RA MY one and only ,,,, 