Thankyou firstly to Cairns councillor I can never repay what you have done
This is me
And I’m losing the shame slowly associating the fourteen year old who thought she was to blame
The journey has just begun again a path I didn’t want to go on
But it seems it was always with me what occurred after was always a distraction
The hardest thing coming to terms with the father I adored and who loved me so much couldn’t keep me safe
Not really his fault perhaps not equipped to be a parent
It’s taken forty odd years to come face to face with a hard fact that I wasn’t ment to be a plus one at social events or stand in wife when his latest girlfriend let him down
I was 14 too old before my time introduced to people inadvertently I should never have been in contact with
I was the parent in our relationship
My father was weak but adored me but blind to the fact of dangerous situations I found myself in
But did what I was bid through fear and being so easily trying to please those adult men I thought gave a shit about me
Craving protection and care and believing at 14 a knight on a white charger would come to the rescue
He Never Came !
I feel disloyal to a father I would have done anything for to help his own distress
Now I know that wasn’t my job
I cared for those around me like I was mum not a child that should have had a child’s life instead of what happened
And all these years I knew it was my fault
I didn’t think self harming at 14 was wrong I knew it was something I could control the pain it brought was a real comfort instead of the disgusting feeling I had every time I was now know tricked into things that no one at that age should know
Up to last week self harming has been a escape but I have no space left and explaining every time I have a examination is too hard
But I know each part is like a map I know where I was when the time the place
My daily reminder of my life
Some may say you reap what you see
Perhaps my punishment is the pieces of what is left I have to pick up and be grateful
But one woman who for confidentiality I cannot name broke through that barrier on Wednesday
I fought every step and I’m so tired but facing up it wasn’t my responsibility for the adult men that invaded my childhood I wasn’t a woman as I had to learn to be
I was a child in women’s clothing pretending that I was invisible to those who didn’t matter and there for those who did
In some respect I have reaped what they sewn
In the seventies you didn’t hear of such treatment I thought as I was told
You are so lovely and such a kind heart oh and you don’t look your age oh and let me look after you it’s ok
Your father is going to let me take you home your safe with me
Wrong Wrong bloody wrong
My wonderful dad was let’s say suffering his own demons and didn’t for one min think anyone would hurt or take advantage Wrong Wrong Wrong
I now have to rethink my whole being
Why was I put on this earth to be a plaything for those who thought it was ok
I have wanted to die a thousand times to end this eternal misery
But still am here waiting
Perhaps their is a reason for keeping me from leaving this planet
Perhaps that one person who recognised that I just wanted someone to give a dam
I wanted a knight in armour
Not a tormenter
At my age I know this is my lot
But for once I feel some peace I hope those who chose to find satisfaction in a young child I wonder if they sleep at night or have recurring nightmares
I wonder if they had daughters
Am so sorry this seems rather depressing but it helps to put down instead of tearing at skin
If their is one thing i know i have laid to rest some demons now it’s out their dirty secret can’t hurt anymore
And my dear dad I still loved you and thank goodness you never knew all of it
I did one good thing I protected my family
Perhaps now I may find some rest
Perhaps now their may be a understanding of why 20 yrs of following Richard Armitage has been my safe place.
A man I don’t have to fear and can have no repercussions from
I know some will think at my age it’s a bit strange but
It’s safe and he doesn’t see the scars or the pathetic illness that has dogged me
I will always be loyal forever
If only life was a bit fairer
Cairns Councils work on a voluntary basis and need donations to keep going
There are so many on the waiting list that breaks my heart
Am sure there are many like this up and down the UK
Where treatment is free if you’re
Lucky to get a place
I hope I will repay them when my time comes so they can help others like me
Who couldn’t see any reason for carrying on
Being taught that even in the darkest hour their is a light
Cairns Counselling http://cairnscounselling.org.uk/

I love this so much not sure of the artist but it’s a comfort my wee black cat with the galaxy 


MR ARMITAGE BIG THANKYOU For being a safe option
You know I want you
It’s not a secret I try to hide
I know you want me
So don’t keep saying our hands are tied
You claim it’s not in the cards
Fate is pulling you miles away
And out of reach from me
But you’re here in my heart
So who can stop me if I decide
That you’re my destiny?
What if we rewrite the stars?
Say you were made to be mine
Nothing could keep us apart
You’d be the one I was meant to find
It’s up to you, and it’s up to me
No one can say what we get to be
So why don’t we rewrite the stars?
Maybe the world could be ours
Tonight
You think it’s easy
You think I don’t want to run to you
But there are mountains
And there are doors that we can’t walk through
I know you’re wondering why
Because we’re able to be
Just you and me
Within these walls
But when we go outside
You’re going to wake up and see that it was hopeless after all
No one can rewrite the stars
How can you say you’ll be mine?
Everything keeps us apart
And I’m not the one you were meant to find
It’s not up to you
It’s not up to me
When everyone tells us what we can be
How can we rewrite the stars?
Say that the world can be ours
Tonight
All I want is to fly with you
All I want is to fall with you
So just give me all of you
It feels impossible (it’s not impossible)
Is it impossible?
Say that it’s possible
How do we rewrite the stars?
Say you were made to be mine?
Nothing can keep us apart
‘Cause you are the one I was meant to find
It’s up to you
And it’s up to me
No one can say what we get to be
And why don’t we rewrite the stars?
Changing the world to be ours
You know I want you
It’s not a secret I try to hide
But I can’t have you
We’re bound to break and my hands are tied
Songwriters: Benj Pasek / Justin Paul