Shitcreek …surviving

Thankyou firstly to Cairns councillor I can never repay what you have done

This is me

And I’m losing the shame slowly associating the fourteen year old who thought she was to blame

The journey has just begun again a path I didn’t want to go on

But it seems it was always with me what occurred after was always a distraction

The hardest thing coming to terms with the father I adored and who loved me so much couldn’t keep me safe

Not really his fault perhaps not equipped to be a parent

It’s taken forty odd years to come face to face with a hard fact that I wasn’t ment to be a plus one at social events or stand in wife when his latest girlfriend let him down

I was 14 too old before my time introduced to people inadvertently I should never have been in contact with

I was the parent in our relationship

My father was weak but adored me but blind to the fact of dangerous situations I found myself in

But did what I was bid through fear and being so easily trying to please those adult men I thought gave a shit about me

Craving protection and care and believing at 14 a knight on a white charger would come to the rescue

He Never Came !

I feel disloyal to a father I would have done anything for to help his own distress

Now I know that wasn’t my job

I cared for those around me like I was mum not a child that should have had a child’s life instead of what happened

And all these years I knew it was my fault

I didn’t think self harming at 14 was wrong I knew it was something I could control the pain it brought was a real comfort instead of the disgusting feeling I had every time I was now know tricked into things that no one at that age should know

Up to last week self harming has been a escape but I have no space left and explaining every time I have a examination is too hard

But I know each part is like a map I know where I was when the time the place

My daily reminder of my life

Some may say you reap what you see

Perhaps my punishment is the pieces of what is left I have to pick up and be grateful

But one woman who for confidentiality I cannot name broke through that barrier on Wednesday

I fought every step and I’m so tired but facing up it wasn’t my responsibility for the adult men that invaded my childhood I wasn’t a woman as I had to learn to be

I was a child in women’s clothing pretending that I was invisible to those who didn’t matter and there for those who did

In some respect I have reaped what they sewn

In the seventies you didn’t hear of such treatment I thought as I was told

You are so lovely and such a kind heart oh and you don’t look your age oh and let me look after you it’s ok

Your father is going to let me take you home your safe with me

Wrong Wrong bloody wrong

My wonderful dad was let’s say suffering his own demons and didn’t for one min think anyone would hurt or take advantage Wrong Wrong Wrong

I now have to rethink my whole being

Why was I put on this earth to be a plaything for those who thought it was ok

I have wanted to die a thousand times to end this eternal misery

But still am here waiting

Perhaps their is a reason for keeping me from leaving this planet

Perhaps that one person who recognised that I just wanted someone to give a dam

I wanted a knight in armour

Not a tormenter

At my age I know this is my lot

But for once I feel some peace I hope those who chose to find satisfaction in a young child I wonder if they sleep at night or have recurring nightmares

I wonder if they had daughters

Am so sorry this seems rather depressing but it helps to put down instead of tearing at skin

If their is one thing i know i have laid to rest some demons now it’s out their dirty secret can’t hurt anymore

And my dear dad I still loved you and thank goodness you never knew all of it

I did one good thing I protected my family

Perhaps now I may find some rest

Perhaps now their may be a understanding of why 20 yrs of following Richard Armitage has been my safe place.

A man I don’t have to fear and can have no repercussions from

I know some will think at my age it’s a bit strange but

It’s safe and he doesn’t see the scars or the pathetic illness that has dogged me

I will always be loyal forever

If only life was a bit fairer

Cairns Councils work on a voluntary basis and need donations to keep going

There are so many on the waiting list that breaks my heart

Am sure there are many like this up and down the UK

Where treatment is free if you’re

Lucky to get a place

I hope I will repay them when my time comes so they can help others like me

Who couldn’t see any reason for carrying on

Being taught that even in the darkest hour their is a lightCairns Counselling

Cairns Counselling

I love this so much not sure of the artist but it’s a comfort my wee black cat with the galaxy

MR ARMITAGE BIG THANKYOU For being a safe option

You know I want you

It’s not a secret I try to hide
I know you want me
So don’t keep saying our hands are tied
You claim it’s not in the cards
Fate is pulling you miles away
And out of reach from me
But you’re here in my heart
So who can stop me if I decide
That you’re my destiny?

What if we rewrite the stars?
Say you were made to be mine
Nothing could keep us apart
You’d be the one I was meant to find
It’s up to you, and it’s up to me
No one can say what we get to be
So why don’t we rewrite the stars?
Maybe the world could be ours
You think it’s easy
You think I don’t want to run to you
But there are mountains
And there are doors that we can’t walk through
I know you’re wondering why
Because we’re able to be
Just you and me
Within these walls
But when we go outside
You’re going to wake up and see that it was hopeless after all
No one can rewrite the stars
How can you say you’ll be mine?
Everything keeps us apart
And I’m not the one you were meant to find
It’s not up to you
It’s not up to me
When everyone tells us what we can be
How can we rewrite the stars?
Say that the world can be ours
All I want is to fly with you
All I want is to fall with you
So just give me all of you
It feels impossible (it’s not impossible)
Is it impossible?
Say that it’s possible
How do we rewrite the stars?
Say you were made to be mine?
Nothing can keep us apart
‘Cause you are the one I was meant to find
It’s up to you
And it’s up to me
No one can say what we get to be
And why don’t we rewrite the stars?
Changing the world to be ours
You know I want you
It’s not a secret I try to hide
But I can’t have you
We’re bound to break and my hands are tied
Songwriters: Benj Pasek / Justin Paul

The Tattooist of Auschwitz

A Novel About the Death Camps, Brought to Vivid Life in Audio
Richard Armitage

Richard Armitage

By Heather Morris
Read by Richard Armitage
7 hours, 25 minutes. HarperAudio

Listening to this novel on my iPhone during the past week — while clutching a subway strap, trotting on a treadmill, filling my basket at Trader Joe’s, biking down Amsterdam Avenue, walking my dog around the Harlem Meer — I began to notice how many other people in the city wear headphones as they go about their daily lives. Having recently moved back into New York City from the suburbs, where I mostly listened to audiobooks in my car, I was struck by how different it is listening to a book on headphones while doing other things. On the one hand it’s a peculiarly intimate experience; the narrator speaks directly into your ear, as if to you alone. On the other hand, it can be hard to concentrate on the story, particularly if it’s nonlinear or experimental.

“The Tattooist of Auschwitz” is neither of these. If I hadn’t read that Heather Morris originally wrote this novel as a screenplay, I might’ve guessed: The story clips along without extraneous exposition, and the dialogue is snappy and convincing. As a reader, I’m usually drawn to dense wordplay and complicated perspectives. But as a multitasking listener, I found the straightforward, chronological narrative easy and pleasurable to follow.

Based on the author’s interviews with a Jewish Holocaust survivor, “The Tattooist of Auschwitz” is the story of Lale Sokolov, Prisoner 32407, who was transported from Slovakia to the Auschwitz concentration camp in Birkenau, Poland, in 1942 and assigned the task of tattooing numbers on his fellow prisoners’ arms. As a Tätowierer, Lale was in a privileged but morally compromised position, “performing an act of defilement on people of his own faith,” as the narrator notes. Unlike most prisoners, Lale had agency. He was given his own room, fed extra rations and allowed freedoms most prisoners were denied, like traversing the camp alone and visiting both male and female barracks.

In Morris’s telling, Lale is shrewd, charming and self-aware. The moment he enters the gates, he vows he will leave the camp alive; he notes the Nazis’ habits and routines, looking for any signs of weakness. He speaks seven languages: French, Russian, German, Slovak, Yiddish, Hungarian and Polish. This ability is his superpower. Toggling among languages, he serves as a guide, spy and interpreter. He knows what the guards are saying when they don’t realize he’s listening; he speaks Yiddish when he doesn’t want them to understand. He mediates disputes and serves as a translator. Eventually he takes risks to save the lives of other prisoners.

From ‘The Tattooist of Auschwitz’

The audio version of this book is a particularly strong marriage of narrator and material. The British actor Richard Armitage uses an impressive variety of actorly tools as he shifts perspective from Lale to Gita, the Slovakian prisoner Lale falls in love with; Baretski, Lale’s commander; a few other prisoners; and some SS officers, including real-life figures like Rudolf Hess and the notorious Nazi doctor Josef Mengele. Armitage wrings every ounce of feeling, drama and even humor — mostly at the expense of the dimwitted Baretski — from this earnest story. He skillfully conveys the cruel, mocking tone that the SS officers and guards often used with prisoners as a way of reinforcing their power. Even when he isn’t portraying a specific character, Armitage keeps the listener engaged and alert by modulating his tone, sometimes within individual sentences. At times it seems as if there are two narrators, so often, and ably, does Armitage vary his delivery.

The relationship between Lale and Gita, with its progression from love at first sight to giddy infatuation to deep commitment, sometimes strains credulity. It’s hard to imagine that malnourished prisoners with lesions and shaved heads might have had the autonomy, impulse and ability to carry on a torrid love affair. Apparently, they did — in real life, Lale and Gita ended up together. But the language of romance can seem jarringly out of place when contrasted with the starvation, mutilation and murder of thousands around them.

The author heads off this criticism by having the characters raise this question themselves. “Is it wrong of me to want to escape reality for a bit?” Gita asks her friends. No, it isn’t. And to be fair, Morris works hard to convey the devastating reality of daily life in a concentration camp. Her compassion for her characters, combined with Armitage’s riveting delivery, makes this an immensely satisfying book to listen to, whatever else you might happen to be doing.

Must congratulate as always Richard delivered a performance

Had it been on film would have deserved a Oscar

Has been such an experience listening

Will never forget

A love story that deserve s to be heard

Richard back on UK TV

Bit late but Thursday night has just got better Channel 4 ( more 4 ) is showing Berlin Station Season 1

About time UK got Richard Armitage back on our small screen

He has been sadly missed especially by me

It has been great was able to watch season 1&2 on line but was gutted that those who didn’t have access were missing a brilliant series

I do hope Richard you don’t forget us here

I appreciate you have to follow your work and sadly the UK has in a way not given you the credit or respect you deserve

You may be able to tell it’s my black day rant

Specially when on Thursday at the same time 9 pm ITV has chosen to show DARKHEART with Tom Riley

May be me but very Richard lookalike

Very good and can watch on catchup a very hard hitting detective series

But seems a trifle coincidental both series started at the same time

Well paranoia on my part but I miss my Richard

Feel it could have been advertised with more Gusto( Berlin Station)

But at least it’s pulling in great viewing figures

Shame ITV couldn’t have found their main channel to show or perhaps money as always is a issue

Well Rant over so glad your back Richard and ok Tom Riley is good but not AS GOOD

Only my personal opinion (criticism not intended)

lookalike perhaps a wee bit but still prefer our Richard as my personal choice to watch

TOM RILEY (Dark heart) very Good watch just not when Berlin Stations on (No offence intended)

your thoughts Dark Heart trailer

Keeping things in Order

Well nearly December

Can’t believe where this year has gone

Don’t know wether it’s just me but this time of year is a real emotional rollercoaster

I love seeing the kids getting all excited and I do have memories of good times with my parents at Christmas

Unfortunately it’s also the time the Black Dog comes raging back usually stays until at least February

I dread this visit more than anything

But because my health has let me down so much I decided to get stuff in order

Am sick of letting friends down and not being on my game

So many of you will be surprised by the post this year

I wanted so much to try and get things right and not give in to the feel sorry for myself mood

I can’t fight battles anymore am way to tired but I can at least let know the ones I care for and have known a long time

I always did care and have thought of you all everyday

Well I so wish you all a very happy stress free run up to the holidays and I really wish you all much happiness

I wish I could physically show you what’s going on and why am not that brave but I will always love the ones I have known and ones I have yet to know love and hugs to one and all keep smiling it really suits you xxxx

Dark nights make better Bright days

Laura Jnr here mum sends love and apologies

She was doing really well but is

Rather poorly

She sends her thoughts to friends in USA specially those suffering in California

And hopes to resume where she was trying to get to

Some Normality

So all those in dark times as mum says there follows always really bright days

Keep your chin up and smile

California I weep for you

I wish I could take your pain away

I wish I could stand with you

I wish for a better world

I wish you never had suffered that day

If god above is listening I would willingly

Give my all

So those who suffered and families that weep

Will find some comfort

My suffering is that I can’t help you now

I feel so useless

I wish it wasn’t so

All I can do is pray for you all love you for ever more

My condolences too all God bless you and give you strength and courage in this dark time

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